Moments in time
by Tumblr Ate My Soul
Summary: A story about Willow and Jesse's relationship through the years and her reflection on him after his death. Willow-centric. NOT A ROMANCE! I have completed it and will be posting daily. I don't own BtVS, Willow nor Jesse...actually, I don't own anything so don't sue. Read and Review please :3
1. Chapter 1

After 'the yellow crayon incident' as she liked to call it, her new best friend, Xander, introduced her to some boy named Jesse. He had kind eyes andWillowliked him well enough but she liked Xander better, yes, definitely!

It was Friday and it was late. She was waiting for her parents to come and get her (they don't usually, she's a big girl, but, today, they promised) when the phone rang. Jesse was the only other child left and he was waiting for her to leave so they could go together, they lived on the same street anyway and they often walked together, talking and laughing at silly jokes they didn't understand. The teacher got off the phone and sadly informedWillowthat her parents won't be coming to get her and that she should go by herself. She politely thanked the teacher and stood up, her stuff already packed, heading out with Jesse.

They started talking and suddenly, couple of blocks from her home, the tears spilled from her eyes as the soft words depicting her loneliness left her mouth. After several moments of distress, she realised she was hugging him and crying on his shoulder. And, unexplainably, he was hugging her back.

It terrified her that he did something so small and it made her feel so much better but she felt infinitely closer to him, all of a sudden. Timidly, she asked him not to tell anyone and he wholeheartedly agreed.

The next day she expected ridicule from the other children in their group but there was none. He just winked at her, telling her her secret would be safe with him.


	2. Chapter 2

Jesse became her confidant and her go-to person quickly and when they started the elementary school, her parents leaving her alone for days and then weeks, Cordelia and the Cordettes teasing her about that and the way she dressed, he became her protector from the evil world outside. They grew close and, even though she still liked Xander better, she trusted Jesse more and truly loved Jesse, her Paladin.

The mean words seemed to bounce off of him and while they were close she felt untouchable, too. It was an ecstatic feeling and it made her love him more and more. While Xander became her brother and even a 'like', Jesse became her mother, father, brother, everything she ever needed.

He was the only one she ever cried in front of. She trusted him to keep her tender heart safe while she protected him and Xander. She trusted him with her whole being and, when his sister died, she comforted him, held him close, protected his heart as he hurt.

The feeling was painful and it made her feel guilty, the inability to protect him from all harm like he did her. It made her feel like a piece of thread in the rope, their lives, souls, hearts, forever intertwined, forever one.

Him crying in her arms made her feel like a mother and a child at the same time, made her feel weak and strong. Made her feel trusted, loved and relayed on. Made her feel protected and protective


	3. Chapter 3

She was confused and frightened to find her sheets a bloody mess and she jumped for the phone right away. If she could just fix this by Saturday she was sure she'd be fine. She was desperately hoping her mother won't know she ruined the sheets.

Jesse answered the phone on the third ring and, when she said it was and emergency he hung up and rushed over, still in his pyjamas.

When he saw her all bloodied up he got scared, but just for a moment. He remembered how it was with his older sister that died two years prior in a car crash. He remembered mum explaining what a 'period' was and he remembered the pads and the long talk.

Swiftly, he rushedWillowinto a shower while taking her sheets off the bed and folding them neatly to take to mum. He knew she could wash them. He yelled through the door forWillowto stay in the shower as he went to the store, still in his pyjamas, to buy her some pads.

When he returned they worked out how to use the pads together and had a big breakfast of greasy snacks and chocolateWillowwanted. It was a Sunday and, since her parents weren't due to return for six more days, they decided Jesse would go home, drop off the sheet, get dressed and come back to watch movies and laze around. Her tummy was hurting pretty bad and she didn't feel up to any big feat that day, anyway. It was also decided that Jesse would ask his mum what to do aboutWillow's tummy ache and if there was anything else they should know.

Several hours later, while they were watching the _Labyrinth_ for the second time in a row, the phone rang. Xander's confused voice came from the earpiece, asking questions about Jesse's whereabouts and 'why was everyone ignoring him' and, even though she liked Xander very much, Willow hung up, annoyed, wondering aloud why she couldn't be left alone to relax for a little while.


	4. Chapter 4

She cries at night even though it's been months and she can't help it. She visits his grave every week and leaves flowers and talks and feels awkward for talking to a rock with his name carved in.

His parents moved away two weeks after his death, left never to return again, and she feels like they abandoned him so she shows her support and love for him by going, visiting his grave often, acting like he's still alive.

But it scares her. It scares her that he's NOT actually alive and she sometimes finds herself entertaining the traitorous thoughts of abandoning her self proclaimed duty. The thoughts bring out her guilt but she knows it's just a matter of time. After all, she'd have to get over it once, wouldn't she?

She feels like he's becoming this sacred, hidden, precious part of her and that she shouldn't sever the ties because she'll hurt herself in the process and those thoughts scare her the most. The fact she's always been close to him but that this now is crossing all her boundaries. And that she's enjoying the fact she still feels him.

Even though it didn't look like that to others, Jesse was actually a closer friend to her than Xander could ever be, he knew her every secret and her every insecurity and he was always the one to make her feel her age instead of thirty the others made her feel. He made her happy and sad and, most importantly, he made her feel alive.

And now, she was a bit lost. Because he wasn't there but he still was and it confused her to no end, the fact she had to be her own drive and support form now on.

She remembers all the smiles and the tears and she's sad there weren't more so she cried for him and smiles for him and stays strong for others and she's just a little girl so she doesn't understand why no one is there to keep her safe. The things that made her proud before, the fact that her parents trusted her enough to leave her alone at home so often and for so long, the fact that everyone expected her to know the solution to any problem, they all just made her feel more cut off and alone. And even worse, they made her feel lonely.


	5. Chapter 5

She breathes even though she's frightened. She breathes even though it feels like she's choking. She breathes to keep on moving. She breathes for Xander and Buffy.

It's been one year and she can't understand how Xander forgot. It's been one year since Jesse's death and she feels like burying herself somewhere deep, deep down, beneath all the hard and protective layers because she can't understand how she survived a whole year without him and how the world hadn't stopped yet.

She stands next to the grave, a bouquet of roses in hand, and knows she won't come back in a while. It's all just so wrong and she doesn't want to be reminded that the time moves on even though he doesn't. It's wrong and it hurts her so she decides to numb that part of her, cut it off and put it in a drawer for safe keeping.

It doesn't work like that, though and she knows that she'll cry that night until all the tears have run dry. She knows she'll close that part of her off until she's stronger, until she's the Willow Jesse believed her to be. The Willow that cried only in his arms, that felt way too much but never let it bother her, that screamed into her pillow when she was frustrated but kept a cheerful smile on for the others. The strongWillow.

She feels her chest constricting as she puts the flowers down and slowly, she turns. She walks home without making a sound, holding her breath until she feels dizzy and then letting it out; repeating the process 'till she's on her doorstep.

She enters the dark and empty house and climbs upstairs. She showers, dresses for bed and then lies down. The lights are out and she's all snugly, wrapped in the comforter.

The tears begin to fall slowly, soundlessly. They make her face, her hair, her pillow wet. Her cheeks slowly get red and raw. Her breaths are even; she breaths in deeply, holds it until she feels about to pass out, lets it out and repeats. No irregular sound comes from her direction. She's perfectly still.

In the morning, she wakes up in the same position. Her cheeks are tender and her hair and pillowcase is still slightly damp. Her eyes feel a bit dry. She washes her face, teeth, dresses, gets ready for school. She goes out, her face blank. As she runs into Xander, her lips turn up in a soft, completely fake, smile Xander doesn't see through. Neither does Buffy.

Days pass and she's still alive. She thinks that must be some kind of a feat.


	6. Chapter 6

Buffy's gone and they're left all alone to protect the damned Hellmouth and, even though she justifies the Slayer's actions to Xander she's furious. This was never their job and, how dare Buffy leave everything just because she's hurting. They could have done that countless times so far but they stayed with her, the least she could do was to repay that favour.

She frowns as she walks around without an aim, just wandering through a graveyard. Buffy had no right to abandon them! She at least had someone. The only people Willow had were Xander and Buffy and Xander hadn't been the same since Jesse's death (she makes a mental note to take flowers to his grave, even though she knows she won't; it still feels so scary and surreal) and Buffy abandoned her now.

Why did everyone have the right to hurt but her? Why did she have to be the strong while everyone else got to act like little children?

And, all right, she had Oz. And Oz was good. Oz was…well, she liked him a lot and all but he still wasn't Xander. She feels devotion towards Oz. And love. And lust. And like. And it's all mixed together and she knows it could grow but she just can't sort out her feelings RIGHT NOW.

She needs someone to talk to; someone that would hold her close and solve her problems for her for once. She hates being the dependableWillow. She hates going home to an empty house for weeks on end. She hates her parents and Xander and Buffy and Oz and Jesse and herself. She hates how weak she feels and how much she needs comfort. She hates even more how no one gives her comfort. How no one would even if she asked.

She misses what she now calls 'the age of innocence' in her head. That part of her life before Buffy, before it all got so hard. While Jesse was still around to hug her when she cried.

She's afraid of the hatred that fills her heart every so often and she's scared for her own soul. She feels the dark flicking through her heart every once in a while and she ignores it to the best of her ability. She doesn't know how long it will take her to succumb to it if she's left alone but she knows it can't be long. She hopes for Buffy to get back so she'd feel the light again, bright as it used to be.


	7. Chapter 7

She sat at a graveyard, staring at a tombstone, hoping. It's been four years and now, after everything just went to hell, she sat there again, feeling guilty and hoping. She looked at the words 'Jesse McNally' and sighed. It's been way too long since she came last. The flowers on the grave were wilted and dried, almost to dust, and she spared them a glance, hoping.

She hoped he would, somehow, materialise there, next to her and give her the support she so desperately needed. She hoped the flowers will become fresh again and erase the evidence of her being a bad friend. She hoped that Jesse would have been the one to sit and comfort her like when they were kids.

She remembered them together, playing, talking, laughing. The memory of a lost innocence haunted her and she raced through 'what-ifs'. What if she let go of her stupid crush on Xander earlier? Could they all have been closer friends? What if Jesse was alive? Would he hug her and hold her close like the big brother figure he always was to her? He always promised to protect her and she missed that raw, complete love the two of them shared. It was different with Xander, he will always be her friend but he never could deal with her emotions quite right. He was always so uneasy with it all.

She sighed and leaned on the tombstone, softly crying. She hadn't felt this loss so acutely, had been able to repress the memories that often threatened to wash over her, as long as she had someone. Now Oz left, Xander and Buffy were brushing her off, Giles was putting her down. She was lost and that's when the memories resurfaced, fresh and stinging.

The warm drops fell on the dusty stone, leaving dark tracks in their wake. She followed them with her fingertips. Finding her resolve, she decided on a magical solution. She read about my-will-be-done spell in one of her books and, if it didn't get Oz back, then it just might get her Jesse. The loneliness washed over her but was squelched quickly as she stood up, her resolve-face firmly in place. A thought that Jesse was the one to name the facial expression that crossed her mind and then lingered, making her glad to be the owner of something made Jesse's so long ago.

She wiped her face with a sleeve and, with the resolve-face still firmly in place, marched back to the dorm. If the spell doesn't bring him back, she'll remember to bring some new flowers tomorrow.


	8. Chapter 8

She's terrified. Tara, her sweet, darlingTara's insane and she's trying to stay strong for her, trying not to show anyone how much taking care of her now incompetent girlfriend hurts her, how much she just longs to quit it, to distance herself from it all, to be the immature young girl and leave the fixing to someone else; how much she longs for someone to make it easier and take care of HER.

She misses Jesse even more because, somehow, he's become the one that takes care of her, protects her; even though he's been gone for a while. She rediscovered their friendship last year, visiting his grave every moment she could.

Sometimes she toys with the idea of an alternate universe where there wasn't a Hellmouth under the Sunnydale High and where he never just stopped existing so suddenly and painfully. She sometimes believes she would have ended up wit him, safe and sound; she would have been working in a big company as a programmer after attending Oxford and they would have gotten together when her relationship with Oz blew apart and she realised Xander SO wasn't the one. He would have stopped pining over Cordelia and they would have kissed while she was tutoring him and it would have been perfect. They would have lived in some big town after travelling the world and they would have had two adorable children. They would have stayed good friends with Xander, who would have married Cordelia, and Oz, who would have married Amy, and Buffy who would have been with some reincarnation of Angel, them being soul mates and all.

She thinks they would have named their daughter Elisabeth and that he'd have called her Lizzie and that their son would have been a bookish type, taking after her. She believes they would have been perfectly happy and content living their perfectly ordinary life. And maybe they would have felt they needed some excitement in their life from time to time so they would have learned how to water-ski or something like that.

She likes her made-up reality a lot because it brings her security that some alternate universeWillowis leading a happy, content life with some alternate universe Jesse, that somewhere some other she's happy.

She hopes happiness is out there because she feels so small and scared and it all feels like a bad drama played on TV in the early hours of the morning, the kind that don't make any sense but frighten you enough to stop you from sleeping afterwards


	9. Chapter 9

Some days made her hate Buffy. It was a weak, envious feeling and it often left her feeling guilty but she just couldn't help it.

And then, there are days she hatesTara. She felt everything would have been better if she wasn't around when Oz returned and that she wouldn't have been so restricted, she wouldn't have been this time bomb, just ticking, waiting for the countdown to reach zero, to explode and show them all how much she hates it all.

She hates Giles all the time. She knows it's his fault she's so clueless, it's his fault she doesn't understand her own abilities. She misses being trusted and often, she believes it's his fault she lost that trust in the first place.

Dawn mostly just annoys her. She is conscious of the fact that Dawn's not an actual person so it takes the brunt off of the looks and the attitude. She believes Dawn just a tool of her self-destruction. She knows her breaking point hasn't come yet but she's afraid to tell anyone that.

There are days she even hates Xander. She knows she shouldn't but she blames him for her lack of confidence. She believes that, if Jesse was there he would have loved her.

Spike, she absolutely despises. She knows that, out of all the Scoobies, he'd kill her the most easily and she thinks it wasn't always so. He might have kept returning for Buffy but he tried to kill HER; or maybe turn her, she still remembers his words but they seem like wishful thinking, like faded out memory of a dream, because, who'd want her around for all eternity?

She believes no one loves her anymore. Not evenTara. She knows, deep down, that they still care for her but she is so weak and alone and her heart breaks just a little more with every new day.

She goes to Jesse's grave; it's become her safe point, her security post. She's there more and more these days and that worries her some days. Some days, though, it doesn't and she's just glad she's got somewhere to go.

It makes her think, the fact that in the past two years she'd become so dependant on someone that's been dead for six. It almost feels like she'd acquired that same closeness with the hard, cold stone that she shared wit the human whose name is etched on it.

She always brings different flowers and makes sure she goes there during the day. No one that knows her goes there during the day and she wants to keep her sentiments to herself, to be alone with his memory, to finally feel like herself again. She arranges the daisies in a small vase she brought two years ago and just sits there for hours on end, not moving one inch.

The sun's down and she slowly stands up, feeling horribly let down.


	10. Chapter 10

She comes back and, in all the rush almost forgets to visit his grave. She's feeling refreshed and new, she's feeling a bit her old high school self and a bit the powerful monster that wanted to end the world. She still finds she misses the constant he was in her life. She's still grieving, even though seven years have passed.

The pain over loosingTara's not as raw as it was. The pain of losing her friends' trust and support is waning. The pain of losing Oz is just a dull throb it's been for years.

The pain of loosing Jesse is still there, raw as always, just pushed to the back of her heart most days.

She remembers crying these past months but she can't remember who she cried for. It feels like she's mourning her own death as she looks at the pure white lilies covering a grave that could be his, could be hers could be all of theirs. She feels everything changed too much and she remembers how she felt as a child, believing it will never change. Believing Xander, Jesse and her will be best friends for ever and that that automatically meant nothing bad could befall them; that they were safe from all evil.

Her red hair swishes all around her head in a soft breeze and it brings back memories of some forgotten happiness. She feels like a little child again as she takes a sparkly hairclip from her pocket and gathers her bangs with it.

She looks at the tombstone, reads the words: 'Jesse McNally' and starts to giggle. Remembering the times they learned to write their own names, the crooked letters and the mirror 'N'. Remembering the time he explained that, since his name's Jesse it means he's bound to be cool one day; that he'll be the motorcycle-riding, leather-jacket-wearing bad boy, like in the movies. Remembering how he promised he'd take her on a ride to LA on his motorcycle and they'd all go to a concert and have cool, grown-up fun. Remembering all the tries to fake his father's signature until she showed him how and became the to-be-evil-mastermind of their little group.

She swims deep in the cheerful memories as she picks the lilies she haphazardly threw on the grave no one's in up. She gathers them in her arms, arranges them around the tombstone, taking pains to ensure they look just perfect, stands up slowly, promises she'll come back tomorrow and then dances away, laughter on her lips because she knows she's alive again and he's alive in her. She knows he'll be hers forever, her harbour, her lighthouse to lead her safely back to herself again.


End file.
